Life is life and it will sometimes whack you, make you lose your bearings and forget who you are. Have you ever felt unauthentic, detached, and incongruent? Like some shimmering cherished thread of youness had inexplicably been lost or taken away? Have you ever felt like a bystander observing your actions or words, as if someone else were saying and doing them, while you take a back seat and just watch this strange person with whom you share a body? Have you ever felt like an imposter (not to be confused with imposter syndrome)?
This happens, especially if we didn’t get some soul healing crucial processing alone time for a while. The problem might be deeper – parts of you that have not integrated well, that you’re ignoring or suppressing, that you’re ashamed of, feel are a weakness making you look silly, unprofessional, dumber than you are, there might be some things you’re desperately trying to hide, things you may need to go along with for a while for any reason, things you stayed silent on when you shouldn’t have and things you’ve said that don’t feel like yours or you don’t even agree with… This rift, detached split can happen in a lot of ways and, if the persona is not a pathologic remnant of some trauma, it’s usually an accumulation of a lot of small stuff you turned a blind on. A little “yes” when you really don’t feel like it here, some holding your tongue when an injustice is going on there, a bit of fake smiles on top… it’s not hard to come apart. You just need to ignore your inner voice for long enough – because it’s easier, it won’t cause trouble or confrontation, it will make you accepted, because you confuse taking crap with self-sacrificial delusions, because you have not yet learnt how to be strong, you’re too tired…. It’s easy to shush the voice and these things make us miserable, exhausted and confused and they seep into us as feke and show as boring and unauthentic.
Feeling detached is not a horrible unfixable spit of a now fragmented person. It happens to everyone at some point and it’s a blessing very well disguised as discomfort (it has a cape, sunglasses and a nifty hat on as well, seriously in cognito). Feeling that it’s bothering you means you’re ready to grow and there are literally hundreds of opportunities each new day to step back, analyse and choose not to go by the default that’s callusing your insides. Only narcissists and psychopaths want obedient puppets who agree with them all the time. Everybody else wants a real person to have a real conversation with, no matter if they don’t agree on everything (even better if they don’t). How do you do this? It will be weird, but a comfortable kind of weird. First start paying attention, watch yourself as if you were someone you have no baggage with. Do you feel better after having this conversation? Do you feel lighter or heavier? Do you feel like you lied or held back? Do you believe in what you’re saying or are they someone else’s words? Is it good, useful, kind and productive? Is this thing you did really the best thing you could have done? Are you proud of and content with yourself? This will soon become a habit and you’ll start watching yourself more closely. Do it not to judge but to understand, assess, and change. As you see all these misplaced puzzle pieces making you weaker more clearly, the next step is simple. Stop. Stop doing them and change the approach. We don’t change all at once just as we (mostly) don’t detach all at once. We choose to handle each new situation that arises a bit better. This might mean partial paralysis for a while as you might have to stop doing and saying the majority of what you’ve been doing and saying. It may distance you from some people, it may mean you’ll be rethinking your career or relationship, that you’ll stop speaking unless you really have something to say…
It may be a shocker, but when you clean out the old gunk accumulated through months, years or even decades you’ll get freedom to build, even if all that is left is the scaffolding of someone you like, respect and agree with. Body, mind and soul working congruently on 20% capacity is more honest and personally fulfilling than working on 100% with fake layers.