We’ll use this weird newly confined term, which permeated the language through pop culture, to describe something entirely different today – the value of opposition.

If you were to watch any teen movie in the past decade you’d probably hear the word frenemies thrown around to describe the click or cross-click social engagement in which you don’t really like your frenemy, but you remain in superficial social contract, smiling and flattering away, because you have some use of it, while secretly wanting the other person to fail miserably. Well these are not the frenemies we’re talking about. The ones we’re interested in are the more intelligent kind of enemy that is actually beneficial to your growth. For most part there are no “enemies” – that’s jut a word we use to describe anyone who doesn’t agree with us or is pulling the rope in an entirely different direction due to their own convictions. In the large majority of cases they are not mean people who wish us harm or failure, although that could be the case, but usually it’s not personal – they just want something you have and the only way to get is if you’re out of the picture. The full blown nemesis situations are pretty much contained to the hero-villain diode in stories, movies and comic books. Life has far more grey area than this bipolar depiction.

The useful frenemy is therefore someone you consider your peer, equal or higher than yourself, although that is an illusion of the ego since we can learn from absolutely anyone and the hierarchy we establish of “lower” and “higher” things or people are arbitrary narratives we keep telling ourselves. It’s also an ego illusion to see someone as your enemy in any way because if someone is dragging you down or even actively displaying hostility you can always just disengage, walk away, remove yourself from the energy. But why don’t we sometimes? Because the subconscious you knows more than the conscious you thinks it does. The you under the surface of rational though understands intuitively that “enemies” are friends in disguise because, relieved from the social convention of being nice to you or sparing your feelings, they show you the places you’re lacking far more clearly. If you want to know what is wrong with you and how to fix it to get better, you’d be far better off asking a frenemy than an actual close friend. A frenemy will not be biased nor sugarcoat. If you’re too naive they will just come out with it and say it, maybe even taking some pleasure in giving you your measure, not knowing(or knowing) they’re actually helping you grow by spotlighting the issue.

Don’t distance yourself from frenemies. They are your signpost, canaries screaming in your face where there is room for improvement and where there is toxic danger if nothing changes. Don’t get sidetracked by pouting, being offended or pulling back but lean into an intelligent criticism of your person, work or action. Our friends and family love us and will often not see the faults through the prism of this attachment, but a frenemy has nothing to lose and also, even if they would ever say it, understand that they become better by not making the arguments of another into a straw man. An intelligent enemy will make them as strong as they can be so they can get better at their opposition to it. You don’t need to hug the frenemy for real because that would break the unspoken social contract of your relationship but you can always be grateful to not be surrounded by empty nods telling you’re perfect, because you’re not; none of us is. That’s what makes it so perfect – imperfect beings striving towards perfection. Accept the wise opposition. We might all learn something if we just stopped speaking for a while and listened to the feedback. Use them as loops for exactly that. No hard feelings.