Love is many splendid things and it includes care of those we love. There is rarely a stronger bond of pure love and devotion than a mother and a child and, if you’re a mum, you know that you’ll need to fall in love with this screaming little bundle to be able to care of it and you’re aware of the overwhelming need to care and protect something so small and helpless. This is neccesary, as human babies are born completely dependable and unable to survive without this care for a very long time. Everything else falls away as the infants needs take primate over everybody else’s. And so it should be, but only for a while.

As the years pass the infant grows up and becomes more capable to do some things for itself. They might do a horrible job of it, it might take them 10 times more time than it would take you to do it, they might take hours to put away their toys or what seems like infinity if they try and dress themselves, but once they develop enough so they can manage those tasks, let them do it. If you do everything for them you continue to keep them helpless, produce big infants. That’s the love that steals independence, the tyrannical aspect of care and infatuation. It might be coming from a good generous soft place, but it’s never the less brutal and pathological in the long run. You should put your child first but you should also not allow yourself get to the point where nothing else in life matters than you brand of complete selfless dedication to the needs of others. That’s an ugly road to go down as your kid becomes an adult. They are not only there to stay with you and love you, to fulfil your need to care for them. If you do a good job so they are able to be independent, to think for themselves, to do hard things and overcome, to face challenges and adventures and become strong and resourceful, they will leave.

It’s better to make your children strong and let them leave than to render them overprotected, weak, whiney and naive. The world won’t be forgiving this lack for very long. This is the nightmare of the devouring mother Freud talked about. This is the mother who says: “I’ll do everything for you, just don’t leave me” It’s a nasty favour to do to anyone and it means you don’t really care for them, but are tending to your own dread of an empty nest. Love shouldn’t steal. It should strengthen and be rough if needed. The most loving thing you can do is show someone where they are weak and help them get strong, not by doing everything for them but by supporting them, pointing and guiding them, while they figure out how to take care of themselves independently.

It’s not very wise or healthy to view the world through the diode relationship of infants and predators, where predators are all dangerous and out to get the weak and helpless which cannot take care or stand up for themselves. It would be very tragic if you were to pass on this belief of the world to your children as they grow up, if you were to made them resent you for emotionally blackmailing them into staying (and they will resent you and themselves for being robbed of something), or teaching them they are helpless if they’re not clutching your skirt. True love is to instil freedom and independence and not to supress and punish out any trace of it out of your own fear of being alone or unneeded. This is not love, it’s a lifelong blackmail.